Our good pal, RedMenace a writer over at PGM made up this helpful shopping list for those of you who make attempts at satisfying the femoids in your life. Very helpful and funny.
Every year around Christmas TFB and other gun related websites put up posts about “What to buy for the gun enthusiast in your life.” As if the target audience of that post would ever be on a gun website to begin with. Plus if you’re gonna send her a link for “ideas” on what to buy you, why not just send her a link of the exact item you know you want? The whole idea is backwards and stupid, so this year PGM is gonna do it correctly: giving fellow mouth breathers some helpful tips on how to buy Christmas presents for the female in your life, ideally without starting a fight (that result is NOT guaranteed). These ideas were collected (at great personal risk mind you) from real females so hopefully they’ll be at least somewhat helpful.
Purses
Women love purses, no one knows why, but they do. Some theorize that it’s a vicious feedback loop with female clothing, Ladies pants don’t have pockets so they need a purse to carry everything which feeds into ladies carry purses so their clothes don’t need pockets. I don’t know exactly when this started, all I know is (((they))) are involved, but I digress. Purses are a foreign concept to men (or at least they should be, this fanny pack around the neck trend is alarming) so we don’t inherently know what metrics to look for. A man would buy a purse the same way we buy backpacks: select a volume (usually measured in liters), select a color, and choose what level of useless MOLLE straps you want on the outside. As far as I can tell, the first two points do at least occur to female, but not in the same way. The most important factor to a woman is BRAND. So here’s the cheat code for buying a purse for your lady:
- Go to her closet and take pictures of the purses she uses most often. (Author’s note: DO NOT get caught doing this, no excuse even including the truth will settle her down, even if you’re married.)
- Go to a purse store (they have those apparently) that sells whatever brand of purse she has the most of.
- This is the scariest one, you’re gonna have to talk to the lady in the store and admit you know nothing. Show her the purses your woman already has, then listen to her advice.
- Buy whatever purse is in your price range
- Profit
If you’d rather skip all of those steps; I’ve been led to understand that apparently this bag from Michael Kors is an easy win, kind of a fanny pack but “totally not a fanny pack”. Again, I dunno. It’s up to you to choose the right color though, good luck! (Author’s Note: Michael Kors has done us all a favor and removed the second color option)
Jewelry
Honestly, jewelry is pretty hard to miss on, look up her birth stone (you do remember her birthday right?), and take a look at what she has already to see if she prefers gold or silver jewelry. If you want to avoid the expense of jewelry, what she’ll really enjoy (apparently) is a full length mirror with jewelry storage inside of it. This one to be precise. If you have room for it, pick whichever one most closely matches the furniture in your bedroom (or her closet if you’re really bougie) and profit.
Perfume
For perfume the best move seems to be to go to whatever store sells her preferred brand (again, covert research required), and tell the lady that you want one that is “lighter and fruitier” she can wear all the time, and a “dark sexy” one she can tell you she loves and then never wears for you. I guess buying perfume is a lot like ordering wine, a bunch of nonsense about “notes” that everyone pretends to understand, I dunno.
Stocking stuffers / Miscellaneous
Every woman nowadays has a Yeti or a Stanley or some knockoff that they carry around and then forget to drink from. What else do women love? That’s right, doing dishes, so get her this big stupid cup cleaning kit (I’m not kidding, this was suggested to me by a real woman). I was going to add makeup as a separate section, but honestly, just buy her reloads of stuff she already has and give them to her as stocking stuffers. There’s so much variety and nuance with this stuff it would be impossible to get something new correct without direct input from her. Play it safe. Also, mini bottles of her favorite booze as stocking stuffers are usually good for a laugh.
Conclusion
I hope this (admittedly brief) list of options will be of some use to you this Christmas shopping season. Again, all the information here has been taken from, proof read by, and approved by multiple women. Is their advice universal? Probably not. Was I vague enough to overcome that? Hopefully. Luckily for me, I’m single, this nonsense is your problem pal. Merry Christmas from PGM.
Scattered Shots 