Nude Nuns with Big Guns is a 2010 film directed by Joseph Guzman and it is everything you think it is – Garbage. This is the kind of film that has come back in style since that 2007 Grindhouse double feature.

It’s the style you know well if you’re a fan of genre B-movies. A new film made to look and feel like exploitation films of the past. Unlike a lot of the new breed of exploitation films, this one plays it straight… for the most part. It isn’t a mock exploitation movie, or a spoof like the guys at Astron6 have been known to make. It is an attempt at a real exploitation film. Does it hit the mark? No.

The plot of this Nude Nuns with Big Guns is the tried and tested revenge story. A young nun is a member of a corrupt clergy that has a side project of selling smack when it’s not saving immortal souls.

She is found with her lesbian lover, a fellow nun, and sent off to be used in human sex slavery. Her and her lover are forced into being hooked on heroin to keep them under control as  sex slaves. The hero nun of the story gets free, and the clergy sends a violent biker gang after her.

The Nun may, or may not, hear God’s voice telling her to punish the clergy and the biker gang. She then does what comes naturally in this sort of movie. What follows is not what you paid your money for, if you were dumb enough to buy this movie as I was.

It tries to  hit all the bases of a nunsploitation film.  You get ultra violence, rape, drug use, strippers, bikers, straight sex, lesbian sex, guns, shooting, a gunshot to the penis, dirty priests, machine guns, cruel head nuns, the mafia, revenge killings, lesbian rape and nudity. Of course you get nude nuns but the guns aren’t really all that big, I am sad to say.

Nude Nuns with Big Guns is shot in a mediocre style for low budget with some nice lighting. I am a sucker for red neon and this film delivered on that.  Sadly the film makers used CG for the gun fire and wounds in places and that is piss-poor for this type of movie.

One glaringly bad use of CGI is the sister firing her Thompson machine gun in the final firefight and we do not see a single fired case kicking out of the gun, and in most shots of her firing we don’t even get to see muzzle flash. I thought this was a poor choice for things to skimp on when it came to budget. It really made the film seem like something made in my backyard. Some decent FX shots at that point would have really helped the realism.

The cast does not feature anyone I have really heard of. The lead nun on her mission of holy revenge is Asun Ortega, a Spanish actress and model.  She does an OK job in the movie. Looking her up, she has done some voice acting in the Grand Theft Auto video games and was in another masterpiece called Bikini Killers Club. No doubt a work of fine art.

She is definitely good enough to make you believe she is a slightly crazy nun out for revenge to save her lover. Another stand out character in the film is “kickstand” the biker gang’s enforcer-rapist.

Keep in mind though this movie is very sexually violent. There is no doubt casual viewers may be really shocked if they are not familiar with exploitation movies. This film is very graphic on all levels. It feels more in line with something trying to rip off  I Spit on Your Grave, but with some very dark humor added.

If you like your throwback exploitation films dark gritty and extra sleazy, like they used to be, and you’re ready for some very graphic violence of every variety then Nude Nuns with Big Guns may be for you.

It is not in the style of modern “grindhouse” films like Hobo With A Shotgun, Planet Terror, or Death Proof. It is meant to be really in your face and therefore have no appeal to mainstream movie goers. However the low quality hurts it, and reduces its appeal even for even a Man of Culture like me.

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